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In education, we talk a lot about 21st century learning and teaching skills necessary for learners in a global society. These include collaboration, critical thinking, risk taking, creativity...and, the list goes on. I’m not going to argue that these are important skills to teach youth today - not for one second. I like this list. I just think it’s incomplete. Physical education and sport are wonderful means to teach these life skills - and more. However if I was developing this list I would certainly include one more - resiliency.
Resiliency
Resiliency, as the Chevrolet Safe and Fun Hockey Resource states, is not about keeping your kids from falling, it’s about supporting them to figure out how to get back up. Tough to argue that this is not a beneficial skill for kids (and, adults), eh?
As parents, I’m sure we’ve thought about, “Why do we put our kids in youth sport?”
I asked this question at a talk I gave to parents in a local hockey association here in the St. Louis area last week. Some responses included:
- To have fun
- To make friends for life
- To be physically fit
- To learn life skills they can apply to academics and relationships
Yet, sometimes (as parents) we behave in a way that illustrates our reasons for putting kids in sport are more like:
- For them to get a college scholarship
- For them to get attention
- For them to always be happy
- For them to make a living through sport
MMM.... a bit of a discrepancy here.
We have to step back...
I’m not saying any aspect of parenting is easy. In fact, I loathe those strong parenting blog posts that totally criticize another style of parenting that differs from the author’s. No way, Jose! I’m not in the parenting critiquing business nor do I intend to start. My own children are only ages two and three and they humble me each day so why would I judge someone else doing the best that she/he can?
I will say, though, that in my profession I hear a lot of stories from coaches and parents and I listen - carefully. Very carefully. As a result, in my humble opinion, I think it might be useful practice if we are mindful (as parents) as to why we originally registered our child(ren) in youth sport. Most parents truly want their kids to have fun and to learn life skills. Let, we know (oh, so well) that sport doesn’t magically teach life lessons (Danish, 2006). That’s up to coaches and parents to foster in participants....no pressure.
So, here I am....inspired! I’m inspired not only to speak more about resiliency in my work, but also make sure that I focus on it throughout my parenting years. While I don’t anticipate any mother-of-the-year accolades coming my way - I do hope that I’ll diligently work toward raising resilient kids. I’m sure I’ll mess up from time to time (heck, we all do) but I’m willing to try and I hope that you will join me. I think that jumping in to “save children” when it’s not “serious” can be a mistake and I don’t know about you, but I think the world could use some more empowered and independent who truly believe in themselves.
*Disclaimer: of course by the definition of generalization there are exceptions to this (stepping back and allowing coaches to coach and participants to figure things out for themselves). Know that I know this, and I also know of far too many examples where it was necessary for parents to step in. I don’t make excuses for coaches who are mean spirited, abusive, or who don’t see potential in every player they coach.
So, what exactly am I talking about?
Scenario
At dinner time, a child shares that s/he is disappointed with the amount of playing time she/he is receiving on her/his select (insert sport type here) team.
Option A
The parent shares with the child that this is insane and sneaks off to text, email, call, Skype (you get my drift) the coach. The coach is told how she/he is ruining the child’s life and is the scum of the earth and that it’s unimaginable that she/he is allowed to coach in the club. [Never mind that these coaches are volunteers and may not have any formal education on coaching youth, motivation, positive youth development, etc.]
Option B
The parent encourages the child to speak to the coach at the next practice and ask the coach what he/she needs to do to achieve more playing time. The parent offers some suggestions (e.g., use a positive tone, look the coach in the eye and thank him/her for his/her time) to the child.
Additionally, the parent asks the child what other areas in their life might they need to communicate in order to self advocate. Maybe this is in years to come when looking for a promotion at work. Maybe this is in a relationship. Who knows? But, the fact is that the parent coaches the child. By coaching I mean that that parent stays on the side lines just like coaches do in sport. The parent facilitates opportunity for the child to figure things out, just like a great coach allows players to be creative and take risks in an authentic game-like environment in practice as well as in games. The parent empowers the child and fosters: independence, initiative, and yes, resiliency.
You see, as hard as it is to see our child suffer disappointment in sport, it’s also a wonderful thing. If we don’t allow them to experience disappointment, they will have no experience practicing how to handle it later in life. To me, that’s the real tragedy in all of this - not the lack of playing time or making a top tiered team.
My two kids likely have some average athletic genes from me (former college soccer player) and above average from their daddy (former All-American wrestler). But, our teammates would tell you (without a doubt) that it was our work ethic that allowed us to attain goals others thought were unlikely. It was our ability to get back up when we got knocked down that allowed us to get into good schools and get great jobs. My partner and I have both admitted to each other that our refusal to make excuses far trumps any accolades that came our way in sport. It also fuels our ability to deal with the day to day stuff that life throws our way. You see, good genes are luck. What you do with them is a result of how you were raised, what you bring to the table, and the experiences that foster your guiding moral compass.
Attention, Coaches!
Encouraging parents to foster their children’s resiliency in sport does not equate with me suggesting that I am going to buy what you’re selling - regardless of its quality. Nope. Not for one little second. If you, as a coach, belittle, humiliate, lie, etc. you should be called out. All I am saying is that often times many “instances” in youth sport are due to a lack of effective communication from a well-intended community volunteer.
This leads me to my next point. Coaching education is imperative and youth organizations should do all they can to provide professional development and coaching education. I love working with youth coaches because they are so passionate and they care so much. How could they not considering how many hours they give to the community? As parents, we have to acknowledge our own bias - our kids - and, understand coaches are addressing issues thinking about the entire team, X’s and O’s, etc. It’s not easy - not at all. Which is why coaching education is so important and why rather than harass youth coaches, we should put energy into supporting their ongoing development through their service to the community. Without them, what opportunities would your child have? Seriously...could you do that much better? [Just a sincere question to consider before flying off the deep end - my tone is sincere and not at all judgmental.]
Some youth sport organizations (soccer, hockey as a few examples) offer certifications and coaching courses, but unfortunately many do not. Many amazing volunteers work really hard to seek out opportunities for courses, certifications, etc. but these are not always available. And, even when volunteers are amazing coaches (as so many are) who are skilled in their craft - it doesn’t mean the frustrations from parents seize to exist.
Post youth sport athletic participation
According to the statistics, there is a small chance my kid or your kid will play sports in college (less than 1% of kids who play in high school go on to play in college). Hopefully, that’s not your reason for enrolling your four-year-old in little league. It might be better to invest in stocks. :)
To me, this is why the registration fees in youth sport are worth it.
The benefit of sport in developing resilient youth is two-fold. First, of course, are the experiences I mention above. Second is the fact that when people are physically active, it’s great for mental health and in decreasing depression. It leads to empowerment and it leads to a resilient “I can do it” mindset. Alas, we need:
More Resiliency
I know you love your kids. If you didn’t love your kids, you wouldn’t pay the registration fees, buy the gear, and get up at 5 a.m. (in the cases of hockey parents and swimmer parents...and others!). No one doubts that your trying - that we’re all trying. But, I think we should stop and breath and be mindful before we send texts, emails, etc. to coaches throughout the year (volunteer or paid). If your child isn’t having fun in sport, that’s not necessarily a good thing at all. But, life can’t be just “fun” all the time. Experiencing ebbs and flows in sport is good practice for life away from sport. It’s reality. I’m as warm and fuzzy as they come...yet I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today without the disappointment I experienced through my career in sport.
From 2003-2005, I lived in dorms at a 9-12 boarding school while obtaining my PhD at the University of Virginia, I was a “dorm parent” for many kids from all over the world. These were some of the most amazing individuals I ever met. Their life experience wasn’t as cushy as ours - trust me. What are they doing now? Many returned to their home countries and - in their early 20s - merely tackling small goals such as building schools(!!!). They are as resilient as they come. While we shouldn’t feel guilty for all that (many of us) have in North America, we also should hold on to what allowed us to have it. Those who came before us were resilient people. They took risk. They got back up. They (perhaps) were motivated by survival but it served them well. Let’s do what we can to provide opportunities for our kids to feel empowered, capable, and independent through their experiences in sport. And, while we are at it, let’s treat our volunteers with respect while we hold them (and youth organizations) to high standards.
How about you?
What experience in sport best taught you resiliency?
What coach best connected life lessons in sport to your life away from sport?
How do you help foster resiliency in your child?
